The Gardener from Hell

Fat Jimmy’s eyes shone brightly

As he saw the giant marrows

The large prize winning turnips

And the rows of wheel barrows

But as he went up to the house

To take a look inside

He had the strangest feeling

That he was being eyed

“So come inside my fat young friend

So come inside, come in”

“But is it safe”

“Of course it is”

Sit down and let’s begin

The gardener was completely mad

He took a pitch fork to his dad

He minced him up

He minced him well

And made him into pies

And sold them to the villagers

Who ate with bulging eyes

I mince them up 

I mince them well

Coz I’m the gardener

From hell

They asked him if he had more pies

Because they were delicious

Of course the gardener replied
So not to seem suspicious

He said “A feast up at my house

And bring your children too”

They came and said

“Now what’s to eat”

And he replied “It’s you!”

I mince them up

I mince them well

Coz I’m the gardener

From hell

And to the gardener’s surprise

The people loved to scoff his pies

So he bought a large mincing machine

He’d pop them in

And hear them scream

But then one day whilst mincing hard

And having lots of fun

He tripped and fell

Into the machine

His mincing days were done

He minced them up

He minced them well

He was the gardener from hell

“And so my child” they say at night

“The gardener’s ghost you’ll see”

“But sir, I’m scared”

“Of course you are

Because the gardener’s me”

“I’ll mince and slice

And chop and splice

It really won’t be very nice

I’ll drain your blood

Cut off your head

Then pour it on the flower bed”

“And then those tasty little roots

Will suck it from the mud

My vegetables grow much larger

When they’re fed on human blood”

Fat Jimmy jumped up from his chair 

And ran towards the street

But he was just too fat

And couldn’t escape 

So he ended up as mincemeat!